Bruised and Broken Joy…

6 02 2008

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            I have been on a quest for almost 20 years to understand Joy. It sounds like a crazy thing when I say it, but in reality, I had lost my joy and tried with all my energy to find it again.

            I read many books on joy, from self-help and personal stories to fiction and joke books as I tried to figure out what joy is and why it was missing in my life. Little did I know that the answer was in me all the time.

            I didn’t know my joy really was broken and bruised. I didn’t understand that there are things that can destroy your joy. For me it was summed up in one word, betrayal. I didn’t know until just the other day when God started revealing this to me. I am so in awe of what He chooses to do in my life.

            Betrayal began early in life when, as just an infant, I was left by my parent to live with other people. Right now you are thinking I was adopted, I could only wish. No, I wasn’t adopted., I lived a nightmare, being left with strangers to be raised and trained until I was about four years old .

            I am sure my parents went on with their lives feeling and thinking they were doing the best for me. It is no wonder that my joy was bruised and broken. Later in life, betrayal came at me the hands of friends. I was an easy target to make fun of and to pull a fast one on. I just didn’t have the life experiences to equip me to survive the season of high school friendships. Later, as an adult, my lack of experience led to more betrayal in my marriage and with my children.  It was as if betrayal in hind sight was like a shadow which followed me everywhere.

            Betrayal is in reality, a fact of life. Yet when we don’t know how to deal with the feelings and emotions that come with betrayal, we began to lose other things in life, including joy. Joy was so beaten down by betrayal that finally it raised a white flag and gave up. The joy that was to be my strength was utterly destroyed by the overwhelming, overpowering emotions that betrayal brings.

            This weekend things changed, but not in those around me.The Lord healed me. As He healed my broken soul of years of betrayal, I saw an amazing thing. It was as if I could see Joy return, even broken and bruised, and for the first time, I began to feel Joy again.

            It was amazing to see how I now could see that the more betrayal I received, the farther I got from God. I just couldn’t go on. I was so far away from God that only He could intervene, and intervene He did.

            Since the Lord showed me about betrayal in my life, I have begun to heal; I have begun to spend more time with Him, something I just couldn’t do anymore with any consistency. If you know me, you are probably doubting me,but I want you to know it was true. I was so broken and so bruised that there was nothing left.

            Today it is my joy to share with you… I am back on track, sitting in bed typing on my computer in my prayer journal. I just finished and asked the Lord what to blog about, and it was funny. He seemed to be looking at me and saying,”what do you think you should blog about?” Joy!

Blessings & Great Joy,

Mikki

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One response

7 02 2008
C.L. Mareydt

… i am joyful for you and with you … we are spiritual beings on an earthly journey!

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